true story

Few things release endorphins faster than Christmas, brimful of holiday cheer, presents, snow, time off from work. Christmas lets us believe in the world as it could be, not as it is. And it is in the warm and fuzzy spirit of the season that Heels on Friday presents the following true story.

It was a cold December night – December 13, 2008, to be precise – on Capitol Hill. Jason* takes his girlfriend to a Christmas concert at the Folger Shakespeare Library, knowing that she’s interested in Spanish music, the theme of that evening’s program, after she’d spent time studying in Puerto Rico. After a fabulous concert, where the two get cozy in the Folger’s small theater, they return to the car, where Jason had arranged for a friend to deliver two steaming cups of hot cocoa and a small wrapped box. Surprise! His girlfriend sips her hot chocolate while Jason drives to the Capitol Christmas tree. When they arrive, she opens the box to find a photo of them and poem that he had written her, and the last line reads,

Will you marry me?

He then drops to one knee, pulls a ring from his pocket, and officially pops the question. His buddies, whom he had waiting with cameras at the ready, capture the moment. And of course she says yes.

Obviously, the romance factor at work here is pretty stunning. But equally impressive is the amount of thought that went into creating a moment that will live on long beyond December 13. Gentlemen, the bar has been raised.

*Name has been changed

turbulence

So, you’ve met someone new, things are going well, you’re in a happy mix of infatuation and optimism when suddenly, there’s a disturbance in the force. Maybe it’s a misunderstanding. Or a fight. Or a clash of values/belief systems/definitions of the relationship. Whatever it is, you’ve hit some turbulence and seemingly out of nowhere, you are questioning things.

There’s no easy rule to decide if what you’re experiencing is part of a normal adjustment that two different people have to make when they are getting to know each other, or a red flag that something is wrong. Or worst case scenario, a sign that your relationship is headed for the skids.

A few things you might want to keep in mind:

1. The other party isn’t adjusting. All relationships involve a certain level of compromise. If it is all on your end, you’re headed for trouble.

2. It’s all in your head. You spend endless hours hashing and rehashing conversations and interactions. You’re second guessing what you said. Or did. Or what they said or what they did. A few weeks or months of this will make you crazy. You either need to hash it out in person, stop obessing (which means either get more secure with yourself and the relationship, or let it go), or move on.

3. You crash and burn. People are unpredictable. Relationships are unpredictable. But they shouldn’t be an exercise in chaos theory. Too many ups and downs may be a sign that things are just a little too combustible. If you’re starting to dread having a conversation because you don’t know what kind of mood they’ll be in and whether it’ll be a good day or a bad day. Ridin’ the emotional rollercoaster might make for good pop songs, but it will be a drain on your time and energy in the long run.

I once read the following piece of advice, “Don’t look for reasons to stay together and don’t look for reasons to split up. What you’re left with is your actual interest in each other.” I’m not sure what I think about this, as none of us has spent our life in a vacuum and our experiences are bound to factor it, but I like the spirit of it. Get rid of the shoulds/coulds/woulds and see what’s really left.

more ways to wreck it

You would think with sage books out there like He’s Just Not That Into You and the slew of articles, advice columns, websites (AskMen.com is a personal favorite) and blogs like this one on dating and relating, guys would be wise to the surefire ways of wrecking things with women. Sadly, this is not the case.

Just to make it really, really clear, here are a couple big ones to avoid. Just in time for the holidays!

1. Fail to follow through. Yes, we all get “busy.” Yeah, we can all let things slip through the cracks. But failing to followup on what you’ve put out there (and you have put out a vibe, right? and maybe asked her out a few times?) and not responding to her calls/emails/text messages/invitations once you’re in a relationship will fizzle things faster than the speed of gossip on Capitol Hill. Almost as bad is a non-committal reply. Show some respect for her time and get back to her asap. Otherwise, she will get tired of guessing and conclude that you just aren’t that into her. And guess what? She won’t be that into you either.

2. Pout. So you have a disagreement. Rather than withdrawing into stony silence, work things out via a real conversation. Text messaging doesn’t count. The silent treatment doesn’t make you look like a tough guy, it makes you look like a childish lout who can’t express himself.

3. Make it all about you. Yes, you have some terrific qualities. But let her figure that out for herself. Spending the first several “get to know you” hours in a monologue of all your fantastic traits (“I was in a band/modeled/placed first in my class at sniper school”) is gonna lead her to conclude that there’s only one love in your life, and it’s you. Humility is your friend here. Secure people don’t have to brag.

4. Cry. Yes, women want “sensitive” men who can express emotion. Sometimes crying is terrifically appropriate and touching. Say, at the birth of your first child. But think twice before turning on the waterworks. Heels on Friday once broke up with a guy and three minutes later, received a text message that read, “Thanks for making me cry.” The sender was 27! Seriously. That’s how you want me to remember you?

5. Anything on this list on Facebook.